#206 The Making of Friendship

How do you know when someone is a friend? What makes that friend a good friend? The topic of friendship is one that has been on Leslie and Leslyn’s list to cover as friendship is equally important for your mental health as it is for your physical health. Shasta Nelson, an expert on friendships and healthy relationships says, “Friendship intimacy is where two people both feel seen in a safe and satisfying way.” Today’s episode centers around what is essential to be a good friend and how you can find a consistent balance in those traits. Leslie and Leslyn walk you through on today’s episode, Dr. Suzanne Degges-White’s 13 Essential Traits to a Good Friendship and give their insights on today’s discussion.

In this episode, we discuss…

Introductions—Friendship [0:01]

Show Intro [0:24]

Start of the Podcast [1:12]

Professionals on Friendship [2:32]

Being Authentic [4:20]

Instant Gratification [06:16]

What Makes a Good Friendship? [07:15]

Trustworthiness [7:38]

Honesty [10:02]

Dependability [11:47]

Loyalty [17:29]

What You See Is What You Get [19:40]

Share and Touch Base with Us! [19:53]

Empathy [20:28]

Being a Non-Judgmental, Good Listener [23:36]

Supportive [26:50]

Self-Confidence [28:10]

Closing Points [34:24]

Episode Notes:

Leslie and Leslyn start this episode of Try This at Home, discussing their oldest friendships to date. What is your longest friendship? They both thought that it was significant to see what the professionals had to say about friendship. Shasta Nelson, the author of Friendtamicy, is mentioned as Leslyn feels Shasta’s input really resonates deeply. “Friendship intimacy is where two people both feel seen in a safe and satisfying way.” Leslyn often sees how influential friendships can be in her practice more than anything else. People often want to know that their friend is there for them, that they feel validated, and have a safe place to talk and express their opinions.

As Leslie points out, many of you may agree, she never really thinks of what friendship really is. It’s used so often that not much thought is truly put into what it really means. Leslie finds Shasta’s description of friendship very interesting. Leslie noted that being safe and being able to tell your friends something that is hard to hear is pivotal to a good relationship. Knowing that the relationship creates a safe space to communicate the hard things in life leads to being as authentic as you can be. Real, healthy friendships make room to be more genuine. Leslyn shares her own experience by stating that hearing something from a trusted friend that is hard to hear can be easier when you know it’s coming from a place of love and loving the other person in the relationship. Leslyn often says this to couples in practice.

Shasta Nelson says that during research a lot of women said that their emotional needs were not being fulfilled. Women tend to accumulate many relationships through their life but only a select few provide a safe space for development. Many people tend to not develop the relationship to allow this safe space to occur and will eventually pull away from the other person. Leslie points out that this may be due to the human need for instant gratification. Social media makes us all so connected but not really connected, meaning it’s a lot of surface level connections. Leslyn follows this with an example. Say you have 240 Facebook “friends”, does this really mean you have 240 friends? Well no, in actuality this is more like about 10 close friends, 20 family members, and the rest being 210 acquaintances. People in those acquaintances perhaps have never reached that phase where a safe space can be created.

If you truly sit back and think about friendships, what makes a good friendship? Leslyn feels that Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, a psychologist at Northern Illinois University lays it out best in her 13 qualities that she calls friendship quotients. The first quality is trustworthiness. Leslyn shares her personal experience with betrayal and realizing a friend is not trustworthy. As she continues, most people are not 100% transparent with their lives. There are things that people go to their friends for to be confidants in their lives. Holding the trust in these relationships are extremely important for a good friendship.

True friendships should also hold honesty in high regard; being honest with your friend and honest about who you are. It may be difficult to be perfectly honest with people unless they’re close friends and that safe space has been established. Leslie thinks honesty is the hallmark of a good friendship Honesty can also be not saying something that you would like to say and not telling things you know are untrue.

The third quality of a good friendship is dependability, which can be challenging. A common example of this would be following-through, you are going to do something you said you would. The complications that comes with this is applying the standard of how you treat others to how you want them to act towards you. Leslyn adds that reciprocity should not feel like you are keeping score in a relationship, instead it should be making sure you are not the only person in the relationship driving energy. Leslyn gives the example of not speaking to a friend for multiple months but then receiving a call that ends up being the friend wanting something and not actually about the friendship. The issue here is you should not do it under the premise of being a good friend if you have other intentions you should state them. Friendships need to be nurtured to thrive. Like a plant, if you do not water and report the plant as it grows it will die. And in terms of dependability Leslyn says, she doesn’t mind being the person to water it, but the other person must be the one to repot the plant!

Something that goes hand-in-hand with honesty, Leslie says is loyalty. This would be things such as not speaking behind someone’s back and just being there when a person needs you. The desire in the relationship is being there.

A trait in the list that Leslyn believes is critical to living a good life in general is being empathetic. It usually can be one of the first traits in a friendship and is when you lean on someone to help fix things, allowing you to connect on a deeper level of understanding. Leslie even shares that she had an issue with this in one of her friendships where it became hard to be empathetic when her friend was not reciprocating. Leslyn actually think it may be more in the fact of reciprocating engagement in the relationship. Relationships that become one sided and move away from shared values or ideas, will quickly become hard to sustain. There may no longer be a shared objective and it can be like giving from an empty well.

The next two, Leslie and Leslyn think are closely associated being non-judgmental and a good listener. Leslyn explains that judging is a non-accepting element and to be non-judgmental you must accept despite the differences and acquire the ability not label something as good or bad. This associates with being a good listener as to be a good listener the key is to not judge the speaker.

Being supportive of others in their good times and in their bad times is essential to a good friendship. Giving encouragement and lifting friends up builds the relationship between you and the other person. An example Leslie and Leslyn give is coming and helping to clean up when your friend is hosting a party. They end the list with things such as self-confidence which can cause you to be competitive. Having an ability to see humor in a situation can strengthen the relationship between you and another. Leslie and Leslyn share the last thing on the list, which is probably a given, but to be fun to be around helps your friendship!

It seems important to notice that every individual will have varying degrees of these qualities. The goal here is to strive for a consistent level of these traits in your friendship. Try to be the best friend that you possibly can be. Leslie and Leslyn share another great quote by Shasta Nelson where she says, “If we keep saying something is important to us, but we do nothing about it then ultimately we lose both trust in ourselves and our own sense of integrity.” You should put energy into the things that you see as important and maybe call and let your friend know you’ve been thinking of them. It could be as simple as Leslie’s idea of sending a funny internet meme to let them know you have them on your mind! Concluding this discussion, thinking about your current friendships and these 13 essentials will allow you to build even better relationships with the ones you love.

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Links to Look At:

Get Coached by Leslyn!! http://growwithleslyn.com

Friendtamicy – Shasta Nelson

https://www.shastanelson.com/frientimacy

The 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends|Dr. Suzanne Degges-White, Ph. D

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201503/the-13-essential-traits-good-friends

Somebody That I Used to Know-Gotye (Mentioned in Dependability Discussion)