#230 Victim Blaming

Recently there was a bit of a dumpster fire on TikTok when a creator attempted to explain a facet of what’s called narcissistic abuse. Several viewers, many who are recovering from a narcissistic relationship, felt as if she was victim blaming and we have been wanting to discuss it since. In today’s episode, Leslie and Leslyn break down the TikTok video and give their views on what’s victim blaming and what’s taking accountability. Leslie and Leslyn also give some real-life examples of narcissistic manipulation and some ways to gain awareness on the situation.

In this episode, we discuss…

Show Intro [0:01]

Introductions—Victim Blaming [0:12]

Start of the Podcast [0:46]

What is Victim Blaming? [1:43]

Video Segment of TikTok Creator [6:41]

Manipulation, Let’s Talk About It [7:51]

Leslyn’s Real Life Examples [10:16]

TikTok Response to Taking Responsibility [12:02]

The Reality of Things [15:13]

Proceeding with Caution and Boundaries [18:54]

Where There is a Narcissist There is Codependency [20:52]

Scams and Being Psychologically Aware [24:18]

How Do We Learn If We Don’t Pay Attention? [30:25]

Try This at Home [32:45]

Closing Thoughts [35:02]

Outro [35:56]

Episode Notes:

Recently on TikTok, a creator attempted to explain a side of what is called narcissistic abuse. A lot of viewers, especially those with experience with narcissist felt as though the creator was victim blaming. Victim blaming can be a very serious issue. We all know what victim blaming looks like in cases of assault and abuse but in today’s episode, Leslie and Leslyn focus a big part on the victim blaming that is not as overt and in your face. Leslyn continues that we are all victims at some point by definition. Anybody who has harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime or accident, is defined as a victim blaming. Also defined as victim blaming is a person who has been tricked, duped, or lied to. Victim blaming is when we say that somebody else’s behavior somehow generated an action taken.

Leslie and Leslyn discuss a video segment discussing the idea of manipulation that occurs in a relationship involving a narcissist. The creator attempted to say the person with the narcissist is also very manipulative. Leslie immediately states that in a lot of these narcissistic relationships, the other person involved is not aware of the narcissistic behaviors immediately and sometimes for a very long time. Leslie continues saying that she feels that this creator’s argument sounds very premeditated but has the feeling that often people aren’t even aware of the behaviors. Leslyn agrees that this is exactly the point. When the word manipulation is used it implies intent.

Leslyn gives the example of if a narcissist says that they will go find someone else if the other member of the relationship doesn’t do something. This is going to generate deep-rooted fears in the victim causing the victim to feel fears of being left, being alone, or being unworthy. The victim fears this and that will drive a corresponding behavior to the narcissist. Leslyn goes on to say that generally this is a codependent behavior that is unconscious and often the person is unaware of the behavior.

Leslyn shares another TikTok creator’s video on the topic to show how the first video fell flat in its argument. This creator believes that you are not responsible for the way that someone chooses to treat you, but you are responsible for the boundaries, values, and self-defense you put in place. The creator gives the example of leaving your door to your home open and unlocked. You could trust and hope that no one is going to steal and destroy your home but what if they do? What if it continues to happen and you just continue to repair your home without putting consequences on the situation? You must start locking your door. This works similarly to toxic relationships you must take the steps to protect yourself once you are aware of the abuse.

Leslie shares that it’s important to remember that even if you leave your front door unlocked and someone comes in and steals, that is still wrong. Leslyn adds but if you continue to leave your door unlocked and continued to feel attacked by someone it never means it is okay but what it does mean is that you need to take steps to protect yourself from it happening again. There are things that we can do to protect ourselves and not be totally at the mercy of how others treat us.

Leslyn gives another example. If you are driving down the interstate and are staying in your lane maybe you get distracted and look at your phone, GPS, or someone in the car. If somebody comes across and into your lane and you don’t swerve in time, are you fully a victim? Is there some responsibility needed to be taken for not being attentive enough to be defensive? It’s not your fault of course, but you do need to honor the fact and be honest that you were not paying attention that is not victim blaming.

This week’s Try This at Home is to make it your mission to become self-aware. Understand why you allow people to treat you badly and learn how to create healthy boundaries. Understand what that might look like and grow your self-esteem. Don’t allow yourself to be victimized beyond the event that occurred. Take the time that you need to heal because it hurts when you are a victim but then forgive yourself and redirect. Focus on awareness, understanding, and growth!

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Next Week’s Episode: Women Empowering Women

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Links to Look At:

Try This at Home’s Episode on Building Boundaries!

[https://www.trythisathomepodcast.com/podcasts-1/2019/4/8/building-boundaries]

Henry Cloud | Boundaries

[https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=as_li_ss_tl?keywords=boundaries&qid=1554900990&s=gateway&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=thisisleslyn-20&linkId=7d31436c3b0ba142b999703b09950247&language=en_US]

Dr. Kristin Neff | Self-Compassion Website

[https://self-compassion.org/]