#225 Co-Dependency Explained - Red Flags and Relationships

We all have codependent tendencies, but when do these tendencies become something unhealthy and often without us even realizing it? In last week’s episode, we talked about narcissism and why codependent people seem to always be found in relationship with narcissist. In today’s episode, Leslie and Leslyn discuss some of the subtle signs of an unhealthy codependency. Leslie and Leslyn explain just what codependency is and when the red flags become cause for concern. They also share 6 questions you can ask yourself on the topic as well as some great resources!

In this episode, we discuss…

Show Intro [0:01]

Introductions—Codependency [0:12]

Start of the Podcast [0:42]

What is Codependency? [2:57]

Happy Not Healthy [5:21]

Signs of Unhealthy Codependency [10:58]

Difficulty Identifying Your Feelings [11:03]

Having Difficulty Making Decisions [11:47]

Difficulty Communicating in the Relationship [12:26]

Valuing Approval of Others More Than You Value Yourself [13:39]

Lacking Trust in Yourself and Poor Self Esteem [15:29]

Fears of Abandonment or Excessive Need for Approval [16:20]

Exaggerated Sense of Responsibility [20:21]

Share and Touch Base with Us! [22:14]

Enabling for Codependents [22:37]

Ignoring the Problem [26:50]

When Codependence is Unhealthy [30:53]

Is It Unhealthy Codependence? [34:49]

Closing Thoughts [37:37]

Try This at Home [40:53]

Next Week [41:32]

Outro [41:49]

Episode Notes:

In today’s episode, Leslie and Leslyn sit down and discuss codependency after last week’s discussion on narcissism. Although we all have a little codependency in us, it can get unhealthy very quick and often times without us even realizing it.

Leslyn defines codependency as a behavioral condition in a relationship. Codependency is a relational disorder where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or underachievement. Codependency is an excessive reliance on the other person for approval or sense of identity.

In today’s discussion, Leslie and Leslyn focus on the more subtle signs of codependency to make the listeners aware of some of the missed red flags. If you see yourself in any of the signs, don’t panic! Just understand that there may be things that you need to look at in order to get your levels back into a healthy space.

Having difficulty identifying your feelings can be produced over time when you feel like your feelings do not matter in the relationship. This can lead to having difficulty making decisions as you become too worried or worried about if your decision is the ‘right’ decision. The classic example of this is choosing where you want to go out to eat. If last time you chose a restaurant your partner complained the whole time and this becomes a pattern, this can leave you to start having difficulties making decisions.

Sometimes you can have a difficulty communicating in the relationship because of past experiences with alcoholic or narcissistic parents. Sometimes you go into a relationship as a codependent but sometimes this can develop in a relationship with an alcoholic or narcissistic partner. Over time these patterns develop causing an inability to communicate and your identity and feelings will feel like they are not relevant.

Another sign of codependency can be valuing the approval of others more than you value yourself. Think about how many times you have made a decision to go to a party even though you were exhausted because you didn’t want someone else to be mad at you. Over time a lack of trust in yourself and poor self-esteem can develop, and this comes from an absence of validation either during childhood, past events, or during the relationship.

Poor self-esteem can make a codependent have feelings of abandonment or excessive need for approval from others. The last sign of codependency is an exaggerated sense of responsibility of other’s actions. Codependents think that they have the capacity to make things better for the other person. Leslyn shares that enabling behavior is rarely seen in a healthy relationship. It’s important to reiterate that there are elements of codependency in all of us it only becomes a problem when it reaches unhealthy levels.

So how do you start to discover if you may have some elements of unhealthy codependency?

1. Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your partner’s needs?

2. Is it difficult to say no when your partner demands your time and energy?

3. Do you cover your partner’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?

4. Do you constantly worry about other people’s opinions of you? Do you worry that people will judge you?

5. Do you feel trapped in your relationship?

6. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

If you see yourself saying yes to most or all of these questions, Leslyn strongly recommends that you check in with a therapist but at the very least check out some of the resources below. First and foremost, you must learn how to set boundaries and the book recommendations below can help you start to develop healthy boundaries. You have Leslie and Leslyn’s support if you need further mental health resources. In today’s Try This at Home, evaluate your level of codependency and if there’s a lot of red flags appearing, make sure that you seek some help.

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Links to Look At:

Last Week’s Episode 224: Narcissism

[https://www.trythisathomepodcast.com/podcasts-1/2020/7/7/224-narcissism-a-frank-discussion]

Melody Beattie | Codependent No More

[https://melodybeattie.com/books/codependent-no-stop-controlling-others-start-caring/]

Melody Beattie | The New Codependency

[https://melodybeattie.com/books/new-codependency-help-guidance-todays-generation/]